I'm not supposed to, but I can't help myself
by Umi6
Summary: A brief reflection of a journey. A journey of love. Using a quite catchy poem. Making things clear for everyone.


I'm Not Supposed to... but I can't help myself  
By:Umi  
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Disclaimer: Unfortunate for me, I don't own Inuyasha or Kagome, or anyone else mentioned in this story for that matter. I just thought the situations matched the poem and made it all dramatic. Also the poem is not mine to claim. I don't know who wrote the poem though. It was displayed on my friends binder. She said she got it off the internet but did not tell me what site. How stubborn huh.   
  
Anyways if any part of this is not accurate too bad. I am not going to fix it but you can point it out in the reviews you give me. At least that way the info is corrected in my brain. I know that there are a lot of story's like this out there already. That's because they are so fun and easy to write. So many sappy scenes to leech of off. Don't get mad going through all of them, just give in and write one of your own. Oh yeah, my other fic 'A Girl's Reasurrence' will be updated soon. I just needed to get this one-shotter out of my head. Here you go, on with the sappyness.  
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I sit here in the dark, alone. Leaning back against the Goshimboku in my era. Thinking about the poem I read earlier this day. How much it matches my situatuion right now. Not so much the fighting part, but the emotional part. The words of the poem ringing through my head over and over bringing up scenes I have lived out that match those very words. Bringing up feelings I have felt, and are feeling. The words explaining almost my very existence. Or at least the existence my heart lives. How the words shake me when I think them.  
~I'm not supposed to love you~  
  
This line, bringing up Inuyasha, but the line that also brings the most pain. The pain that is telling me why i'm not supposed to. The source of this pain being my main competition, Kikyo. A greater foe than Naraku, in a sense. A foe that I can not destroy, all because of the hold she has over the one I supposedly 'love'. How I wish she would leave, yet how I wish for her and him to be happy. How I wish I were not so confused right now.   
  
That false action I dodged in the beggining of our journey. The way he looked at me, almost reaching my face. I knew I couldn't let him though, he was looking through me, not at me. Yet how I wish I had just let him reach me. I still have no clue why I freaked out that way. I never saw him with that calmness in his expression before.   
  
This line is bringing a stinging sensation to my eyes, I should move to another line.  
~I'm not supposed to care~  
  
I do care don't I? Am I not supposed to? Does he want me to? Who can know, he hides things so well, and yet not.  
  
This line just brings up questions. Questions of loyalty or love? All I know is I can answer none. I except I care, how can I hide it when i've shown it to many times already. My first time seeing him human, crying for him even though I did not know him. Or at least did not know him well. How could I help myself? Things make me cry, but he makes me care. Gives me the best reason to cry, losing a loved one. Losing a best friend.   
  
That is what our relationship has become hasn't it. The terms and base of our relationship being best friends. It is a fine substitute but I prefer and need more.   
  
So does all this mean i'm not supposed to care. No! I am allowed to care for a best friend. That's what they are there for, to care, and care for. So I have figured out this line is not justified for me. Next line.  
~I'm not supposed to live my life wishing you were there~  
  
That's not how I live my life is it? I think I know the answer already. It's kind of obvious, if not to others then to myself. Each time I leave for my damned school a sharp pain pierces my heart. Not wanting to leave but knowing I have to. But the thing thet worries me is not leaving, but not being able to get back. Then I would truely live my life wishing him to be there.  
  
The fact is he is there. But when he is not I wish he was. There is no way to deny this line is true. It get's to the point, I alway's want him around. Does this line ring true for him also? I hope is does. If it doesn't that would hurt. He never want's me to leave. We fight over it each time. Is it because his rush to gather the shards. I don't think so, or I don't hope so. I hope i've made clear he is fine the way he is. I've told him many times I like him how he is now.   
  
This line brings up arguments, those of which I do not want to relive. Next line.  
~I'm not supposed to wonder where you are or what you do~  
  
Bad idea, this line is too true. Many times I just lay on my bed wondering about him. With my friends I wonder about him. With my family I wonder about him. Even with Hojo-kun I wonder about him. Is this line saying i'm not supposed to, that it's wrong.  
  
That's not it! Sometimes when I go back the other's tell me that Inuyasha was just dead weight without me there. That information kind of cheers me up. They say he constantly asks them questions about what i'm doing, even though he knows he would know better than any of them. So he wonders also, it's not wrong to wonder.   
  
Like the times I wonder about him when he's gone and i'm in the Sengoku-Jidai anyway. Wondering what he's doing. If he's with Kikyo. It's a bummer many times he is. Most times it's right after we've just patched things up from his last visit with her. Our relationship has just got a boost... then it's two steps back.  
  
More sadness is creeping into my already stinging eyes. Next line please, and don't let it be a bad one.  
~I'm sorry I can't help myself 'cause i'm in love with you~  
  
Okay, freak me out. I think this poem was written just to permanently confuse me.Can't help myself from what. Can't help myself from caring, loving, and wondering. Can't help myself from not living without him. I think I would probably die from sadness if I had to leave permanently. I guess I can't help myself, it's a spirit thing. His spirit is strong and mine has learned to depend on it. At the same time it has made me stronger. I wonder if he feels the same.  
  
Why can't I help myself? Because he's a hanyou, no I don't care about that. Because he's handsome, that has some effect but not to an extent. Because his arrogant personality, that is somewhat appealing. It gives me determination to get to know him, to see if he really is like that. I think it is, or was remorse. For the sadness he had to go through. What I found out about him during out travels. Then that remorse slowly turned to caring and eventually... love.  
  
Okay so this poem rings true on most account's, the question is, does it have the same trueness for him as well? I really want to find out.  
I hear the well house door crack as it opens slightly. I knew he would be coming to drag me back. I had told them I would be back tonight. I guess because I was taking so long he came. He comes into vision and I divert my eyes, suddenly finding my feet the most interesting thing in the world. A blush creeps up out of nowhere. Actually the origin is pretty clear, i'm ashamed of what thoughts were just wandering my mind.  
  
He is only feet away, puzzled expression plastered on his face. I'm trembling slighty, i'm cold. Not because it 'is' cold but because my body is just recovering from whatever numbness had overtaken it. I feel a coat-no haori blanket my arms and legs. All redness left my face, that's peculiar you would think I would get more red. I look up at him, he's worried.   
  
That's what friends are for, to worry, to sympathize. That proves he is a friend. Not to forget the comfort part he takes a seat next to me. Slowly a dialogue is starts.  
  
"What's the matter?" Those words make me smile. That puzzles him more.  
  
"Have you ever been so deep in thought you start to seperate from your bady and fly away?"  
  
"You're a real nutcase"  
  
"I'll take that as a 'no'"  
  
"We need to get back"  
  
"Do me a favor"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Read this, you don't need to tell me what you think, just take to heart the words and let them correspond with your life" I say that as I take the piece of paper out of my pocket. Maybe I said that a little too deep because he hesitates to grab it.  
  
"Please" I add, almost forgetting manners.  
  
He takes it and reads it. I think it got to him because it's been ten minutes and he's yet to move.  
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Author's Note: I know, I know it's short. Some people may say I have a knack for writing short chapters. Well this was just a reflection and now it's back to my main fic. Maybe I should write a funny one to take me off of all this drama I seem to be feed on.  
  
Should I do just one more chapter to write what Inuyasha thinks of the note? If you want me to just say so. Nothing to serious but if I do it could end pretty good. Hint Hint ^_^  
Umi. 


End file.
